Burger King Makes WHAT!?

Note: The following is a paper I wrote for my writing class due tomorrow that I haphazardly threw together after I was unable to think of anything with substance to put together. The assignment was that we had to write a page paper on basically anything we wanted... at least I hope... I dunno... Anyway, if it's good enough for my class, it's good enough for FailBlog. But this explains why there's a fucking footnote, and the higher level of professionalism(?) Enjoy, or something. Also, sorry for the bad formatting, it fucked up since I copied it from Word, and I don't give enough of a shit to fix it.

In the midst of doing work in the library, my coffee level from that morning’s breakfast sank to zero. I decided to walk over to the well over-priced, Outtakes campus convenience store to recharge. Passing through the aisles, something caught my eye: A large Burger King logo on three bags. I guess that the marketing department accomplished their job. Upon closer inspection, I discovered that these were actually Burger King endorsed bags of chips. This amazed me. I always expect fast food chains to attempt shocking marketing ploys, but seeing Burger King making a brand of snack food surprised me to no end. This isn’t the first time a restaurant branded a kind of snack food (In fact, the company behind these Burger King snacks was also behind the T.G.I Friday’s snacks as well)[1] but I never thought Burger King would venture into the snack world.

There were three types of varieties available: “Ketchup & Fries,” “Flame Broiled” and “French Toast.” Feeling daring, I decided to go with “French Toast.” They looked like brown Cheetos. On the first try, they didn’t taste good or bad… more “interesting” than anything else. But as I continued eating them, they got better and better with each one. I’ve never specifically had French toast at Burger King but it was pretty impressive how much they taste like maple. You could taste a faint buttery undertone, the combination made it really taste like French toast. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that they’ve created “Burger King in a Bag” and made it so people no longer have to go to a real Burger King to get their unhealthy food but bravo, Burger King. I expected failure, and was pleasantly surprised to find success.

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[1] Hartford, Jamie. "Burger King to Debut Branded Snacks." QSR 09 2007 28 Jan 2009 .

Man, I had what Zachary Taylor had? Fuck.

Sup?

Not much, nearly died last Friday.

Oh. OK. How?

Well, here's what happened:

Friday morning. Woke up fine. No issues. At noon, I started to get a little upset stomach. Meh. About an hour later, it got worse, so I decided to sleep it off. An hour after that, I threw up. It takes a lot for me to throw up, but I figured I'd be good, since I felt much better afterward.

ROFLWRONG.

It became much worse. By my third time vomiting, I was already seeing bits of blood in it. I hadn't eaten anything, so I was only vomiting bile. So the stress and the acidity had worn something in my intestinal track to bleeding. Nothing bad, though.

So, when I thought it couldn't get any worse, here comes the diarrhea. Like what the fuck. Half the time, it literally came out of both ends at the same time. I couldn't be bothered to hold one while the other went. That's why we invented buckets.

Right, now my parents become panicky, as they force me to go to the urgent care ward at the doctor's office. Still suffering. Still feel like I'm dying. Shit still sucks. And guess what? IT GET'S WORSE.

I am going to tell you now that I am scared of needles. Like really scared. Like near vomiting whenever I get one scared. Well...because of my dehydration, I needed an IV!

Guess my reaction...

That's right: panic, suffering, and man did I vomit a lot.

Well, I had no choice. Plus, they were going to give me a drug to counteract the vomiting and make me feel better. So they go to put the IV in. Vein blew. Round two. vein cowered. Round three. Third vein blew. I became absolutely frustrated. I hate needles in my arm, and now they just put three in me AND FUCKING FAILED. Thank Christ they got a good nurse in on the fourth one who knew what she was doing. That shit went in fine.

Got the IV fluids and the anti-sick medicine. And guess what, when I got up after the IV was done, the anti-sick drug decided to not do its job.

So I started throwing up...again. Twice by the time I reached the car to go home.

The official diagnoses was Gastroenteritis. My sentence was to have the worst night of my life.

So I got home, and threw up again before lying in bed. I was given another anti-sick pill and an anti-diarrhea pill.

The anti-diarrhea pill worked great. Haven't had any since. Although I do feel a bit blocked. Ah well. As for vomiting. Well, after a few more times and noooooooo sleep what so ever, it is gone.

I type before you, two days later, with two aching arms with needle tracks in them, one very sensitive stomach that's prone to bouts of relief and churning, and very constrictive and tight stomach muscles that completely kill whenever I need to cough or walk.

Oh, and I have to take an online literary exam before Sunday is done. FUCK.

Not as descriptive as I'd have like, but I have an excuse. It fucking hurts sometimes to sit here and type, especially the IV shit.

So, until next time, don't contract Gastroenteritis, because it fucking sucks.

Stuff About Israel

As you avid FailBlog readers know, I recently went to Israel. I got back to America this past Wednesday. Yes, I'm alive. However, I can only count to nine on my fingers now (jk lol). The expirience was really amazing. Definitely a worthwhile trip. Everywhere we were, it was hard to believe that there was a war being fought less than 100 miles away. I'd type up my whole expirience, but that would be pages and pages of work I don't want to do. Also, if you came here expecting to read about political opinions about Israel, stop sniffing glue and go somewhere else. I'm sure there are pleanty of blogs you could read on that issue. FailBlog will not be one of them. Why you'd think FailBlog would be one of them is a mystery in itself.

That said, I present to you *ahem*

Five Random Observations About Israel

• Napkins: This was probably my biggest gripe about Israel. In America, we're used to getting large napkins and having an abundance of them. In Israel, for whatever reason, they decided to make their napkins really, really small. I've had receipts larger than the napkins you get in Israel. What's worse is that, when you order your food, they'll only give you one napkin and if they even have a napkin dispenser, it will only be on one or two of the tables. So, if you're sitting at one of the tables that doesn't have it, you get to go on a mighty quest to find it. It's not that I'm an overly messy eater or anything, but most of the food in Israel is covered in sauces and wrapped in a pita or something. You need a napkin for this.

• Israelis: While I'm not trying to make a ridiculous blanket claim about all Israelis, in fact, the ones who were with us on our trip were pretty awesome people, but I found that most Israelis are sort of... well... aggressive. They won't say excuse me when they bump into you, nor if you're in the way and they're trying to get around you. They'll just push you out of the way and continue on their business. If they're trying to sell you something or are asking for money, the only way to get away is to run away. I don't know if you've seen those "Dead Sea Cosmetics" sellers in malls and stuff, but if you have, you know how aggressive they can be. Now, imagine an entire mall or street like that. That's Israel.

• El-Al Airline Food: If you travel on El-Al Airlines to Israel. Try not to eat anything. ESPECIALLY the beef dinner. I was on the toilet for two days. I didn't order the beef on the way back, but still ran to the toilet in Newark once we landed. It's not a bad airline otherwise, but god damn. And this sort of leads into my next point...
  

• Public Restrooms: This is the only thing on this list so far which I liked. A little odd, really. But yeah, the coolest thing about public restrooms in Israel is that usually, instead of stalls like we have in America. They have separate fucking rooms to do your business in. Seriously. You'll have your sinks, the urinals, then instead of stalls, the toilets are each in their own room. Separated by walls. We need this in the US. It's probably just me, but I hate when you can hear the guy in the stall next to you doing his number two.
  

• Burgers Bar: This was one of the best fast food burger places that I've had, not only in Israel, but ever. We only had a chance to eat here once, but I'm glad I did. They grill you a burger when you order it, and you have a variety of sauces and veggies they can put on from there. For about 45 Sheckles (about $10) you get a burger, fries and a drink. Not a bad deal.
  

So there you have it, five observations about Israel. Even though three of the five were things I didn't like, again, I had an absolute blast there. It's just easier for me to bitch about things.

Oh yeah, the picture on this post was a picture I took at the beach of our hotel on the Dead Sea.

Going back to Albany tomorrow. See ya next time.

I feel a hot wind on my shoulder...

I'm surprised Nate beat me to the punch. The amount of hassle that comes from me for him to post anything is triple the work he puts into each of his posts, the bastard.

2008 is gone. 2009 is here. We're all happy!

But I have seen a disturbing trend. The good old "WE'RE ONE YEAR CLOSER TO 2012 OH SHIT BALLS WE'RE DEAD!!!"

No.

Let me spell it out: WE'RE NOT DEAD.

The illustrious date of 12/21/2012, for those informed, is the date in which the Mayan calendar stops, apparently predicting some widespread change.

Now, give a date and a promise of worldwide change in the world, and the first thing on everyone's mind is "DEATH AND THE APOCALYPSE OMG NOOOOOOOO!"

Calm down, no. It's not happening. Just because some dead civilization forgot to finish their calendar, does not mean we're all dead. Some magical asteroid isn't coming on such a specific date. Jesus Christ, who has nothing to do with the fucking Mayans, isn't descending on us for our final salvation (that is, if you even believe that'll happen).

People will die on that day, but nothing more than the norm. Maybe a bit more than usual, and let me tell you why. Those idiotic enough to believe our forthcoming doom is on that day might get a bit antsy...might start killing themselves or even others. It's nothing different then any other day that has some sort of darkness attached to it. For example, Columbine happening on Adolf Hitler's birthday.

In conclusion, December 21st, 2012 will come...and pass...and we'll all be hunky dory. So shut the fuck up.

And have a nice year.

You fucks.

So long 2008, and Thanks for the Fish

Happy New Year's everyone! I hope 2008 went well, and 2009 goes better blah blah blah all that jazz.

Mainly, I just did this so I could get the first post of 2009 instead of Luke. Go me.

I was thinking about doing a "Best of 2008" post or something of the sort but actually, I'm leaving to go to Israel on Saturday for 10 days. Yes. Really. That Israel. Yes, I'm aware what's happening there. Thank you for your concern. Anyway, by the time I come back, it won't really be relevant to have a post like that. But I'm sure I'll have something interesting to write about from the trip. I mean, I'm basically spending all day Saturday in airports. This is basically what my Saturday looks like:

11 AM: Go to Burlington "International" Airport for 1 PM flight to JFK.
1 PM: Fly to JFK.
(Let's say) 2:30 PM: Land at JFK.
6 PM: Meet up with group.
10 PM: Get on an 11 hour flight to Israel.

So yeah, this will be one long Saturday.

See you in a few.

QUEER ALERT: THE POETRY SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT MY ASS

You know, I was on my 360, playing Rock Band 2, and swearing out every motherfucker who sucked dick at the game. I then came across a player's profile, and his/her "bio" (I have a Ulysses S Grant quote on the Art of War because I'm fucking awesome), I saw this...really deep poem. It barely rhymed, but it didn't have to. It spoke...worlds to me. I nearly teared up. It motivated me to come up with my own deep poem about me. So, please, have a read, and tell me what you think:

--------------------------------------------

In the darkness of the night
May the spirits come and make me whole

A draining day such as this was just too much

Forgoing the usual theatrics
Under the moonlit sky
Comes the nightmares of the day
Killing me tortuously slow
I am merely a man
Naked among the arrows
Gearing up for my execution

Many think I'm crazy
Others think I'm a genius
Really I'm both
Only one problem:
Neither are alive

AKA: Poets who right shit like this need to be shot for their stupidity (find the hidden message lololololol)

Official Failblog PS: All blogs will now contain the tag: AMERICA FUCK YEAH. Starting three days ago.

A Post About A Series Of Tubes

If you were like me and didn't wake up until after the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade was over, here's what you missed:



There's a part of me laughing at this, and there's a part of me crying mercifully for the future.

Let's take a step back in the time machine and go back to the early days of the internet. No, not back to the early, early days when the 13 websites on the internet were all porn. But a little later than that. Kiddies, there was a time when we didn't have things like "Cable Internet" or "DSL" Nope, we had "56k" plugged right into the phone line. I remember the days of me using our shitty AT&T service, my mother yelling at me "Nate, get off the internet! We need to make a call!" Ahh... the internet was a completely different beast then.

We didn't have YouTube back then. Lets say you were trying to look up Primus music videos, you simply could not point your browser to YouTube, or Veoh, or Megavideo or one of the few dozen streaming video sites. No, you searched Yahoo (because Google was obscure and non-existant then, shocking) for three hours until you got to some dude's FTP site in Moscow who happened to rip these videos from television, but because the internet was painfully slow back then, the only way he could upload them without it taking three years was to put them into a format that was roughly the size of a postage stamp. But you found these videos, and you waited the four hours it took to download, and you enjoyed these videos. Because that's all you could find. And downloading music? Before big-bad-Napster came along, that was not possible.

But back in this incarnation of the internet, it wasn't widely used. The only people using it were dorks like us. Everyone else knew how good it was, but they weren't using it regularly. I mean, it was pointless to wait for the news to load online, when you could go to the store and buy a newspaper in the time that it'd load. The internet was not just a viable option for everyday people. The internet was almost like an exclusive club.

Lets go back to 2008.

If you don't use the internet, please stand up now.

...right.

The internet is mainstream now. You have to go to the deep, dark, bowels of the woods in order to find someone who doesn't use the internet for anything. The internet was slowly becoming popular culture. I mean, first, you had VH1 showing YouTube videos. That's alright, because they showed it at a time when only internet people were awake, and plus, VH1 pretty much caters to our crowd anyway (I swear, I've watched every single "I Love The____" at least a dozen times). Then you've got Weezer's video for their song Pork and Beans but, that's alright, because again, Weezer could pull this off. They're that type of crowd.

But we've jumped the shark with this Macy's Parade business.

Matt of X-Entertainment has put many reviews of old Macy's Thanksgiving Parades on his website and one of the things he often says is that looking back at these old Parades really shows you what pop culture was for that time. And Pop Culture in 2008 is Rick Rolling.

Let's think about this for a minute. Whomever planned this parade thought it'd be a good idea to invite Rick Astley to perform on a float at THE Macy's Thanksgiving Parade based on an internet joke, because let's face it, what the fuck was Rick Astley doing all this time? Then someone in the Macy's organization okayed this idea. This means that knew what Rick Rolling was, and assumed that the hundreds of Americans watching leaving the parade on while they're making dinner knew what this joke was too.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, it's always a victory when a meme gets onto a national broadcast of some kind, but this wasn't even a prank. Someone willingly put this on the air. It absolutely blows my mind. Especially that last line. "I love Rick Rolling." Sweet Moses.

The internet is in a different place now. One that not geeks and nerds use, but one that everyone uses. Granted, there will still be 4chan jokes that will never see the public. But still, the internet is mainstream, who knows what will show up on ABC, CBS or NBC next.