SPECIAL BREAKING EDITION OF THE 'FUCK THAT' PROGRAM

I have just spent 45 minutes battling the worst thing to be battling at 11:30/Midnight.

FIRE ALARMS, or "WAAAH WHERE'S MY NEW BATTERY? I WILL ANNOY YOU UNTIL YOU GET ME A FUCKING BATTERY!"

It's the most fucked thing at a fucked time [admitedly, this happening at 3 in the morning would have resulted in me destroying it, but let's get on with the story].

I walk into my bedroom, ready to get my 360 on...when the damn fire alarm beeps. Why now? The only one home, other than me, is my mom...and I didn't want to wake her up because she wasn't feeling well. So, I went hard to work, getting the stool out and preparing to figure the problem. Well I knew the problem, but I needed to see what kind of battery it was. Then I went upstairs to the kitchen (What, I'm the only one with a kitchen upstairs? Don't blame me, blame the retards who built this house), and got a battery. Now, let me tell you how loud this beep is. It's every other minute, and you could hear it if you were standing outside the house. Yeah.

Anyways, got the new battery, downstairs, put that new fucker in, close the lid. All right, time to put everything aw- *BEEP*. I was dumbfounded. I put that fucker in. Did I put it in right?....Fuck yeah I did, I'm not stupid. But, anyways, I try it again. Didn't work. Put that battery in at every conceivable way I could, and a few ways that defied the laws of physics, and still wouldn't work. Hmm...dud battery? Probably not, but I was getting angry, so I was ready to try anything.

Went back upstairs and got battery number two. Went back downstairs, and put that fucker in. Held my breath........*BEEP*. God damn it. Now I'm getting pissed. It's been about 20 minutes, and it's still beeping. Why God? Maybe it wasn't in all the way, so I shoved as hard as I can. I swear, I heard cracks as I push this fucking thing into the ceiling, trying to establish a circuit. Would it work? Of course not, that'd be easy, and this thing just wanted to fuck with me. So...reluctantly...I tried another battery, because I'm at my wits end here.

I put in battery three...the right way...as far as I can...with the cover closed...with everything correctly in place......and.............*BEEP*. I exploded. I had it. I was going to rip that motherfucker out the wall. Before I did, I leaned against the wall, getting ready to rip the thing apart. I then spied the carbon monoxide meter, heard the beep.....and......I saw the "battery" light flash. HOLY SHIT A CHALLENGER APPEARS.

I...WAS...TRICKED! It was the carbon monoxide alarm the whole time! What a conspiricy! Half of me was relieved that I can now fix this. Most of me was pissed because I just wasted 40 minutes on the wrong fucking alarm and I was getting a headache from the loud beeping. Let's give me credit here. The two alarms are literally maybe a foot apart from each other. The fire alarm was flashing, and I looked at that damn monoxide alarm, and the light on that thing was fucking weak. Right...so I found the right one. Got that shit off the wall, and proceeded to put the new battery in.

This is a bit weird, because the shit beeps louder when I try to get the battery in. It was hard work, tight fit, and everytime I screwed up, the monoxide alarm screamed at me, telling me how wrong I was. I almost threw that shit out the window, I damn near did. But finally...FINALLY...I got the battery in.

No more beeps.

...........
..............
................


FUCK

FIRE/MONOXIDE

ALARM

WOULD RATHER DIE IN A FIRE.

I'll wait in this place, where the shadows run from themselves...

I picked the wrong morning to blog. Not really an ideas, not really in the mood to heavily think of any ideas, so this will probably end up being a slew of randomness.

Randomness number 1: Random Omegle Chats.


You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Sup?
Stranger: hi
Stranger: im fine and you?
You: I was, until you gave me that sad excuse for English.
You: Try again.
You: Try not to sound like a monkey.
Stranger: im japanese..
You: I fucking don't care.
You: Act like you know something.
Stranger: so i dont really understand..some english..words
You: Do you understand "die in a fire"?
Stranger: ...no..?
You: Okay.
You: I'll break it down.
Stranger: ah ok
You: Do you know what happened in Hiroshima?
You: That's what I want you to do.
Stranger: i wont do it
You: Yes you bloody will.
Stranger: you cant make me do it
You: Yes I bloody can.
Stranger: and how will you do that then
You: All it takes is a few dirty bombs.
You: Your country isn't equipped to deal with anything right now.
Stranger: im not doing it
You: Yes you fucking are.
You: You will get blown to hell by a nuclear missile.
You: And my fucking god, you will like it.
Stranger: what are you my father
You: Thank God no.
You: Imagine if I had to pay child support for you?
Stranger: i will tell him that you said this and then he will hunt you down
You: Go right ahead you little shit.
You: I'll be waiting to scare him off when he finds out that I'm 9 inches taller than him.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
-------------------------------------------------

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: What bands you into?
Stranger: hello stranger
You: Just answer the question.
Stranger: CMCC
You: What the fuck is that?
Stranger: thats CMCC
Stranger: dont u know?
You: No, I fucking don't know, you dense fuck.
Stranger: wtf
You: Otherwise I wouldn't be asking.
You: Jesus Christ.
Stranger: holy shit
You: Like all I want is to find out what the hell a CMCC is.
You: And you're being a retard, and not telling me.
You: Like who screwed with your brain so much that you no longer have any common sense or deductive reasoning?
Stranger: yas ofcouse
Stranger: couse i dont know
You: Are you fucking confused?
You: Like let me break down this chat for you.
You: Because you can't do that yourself.
You: You retard.
You: I asked what band you liked.
You: You go CMCC.
Stranger: and?
You: I go "who the fuck is that?"
You: You go "It's CMCC!!!"
You: And ask "you don't know?"
You: And I go "No, I fucking don't retard."
You: "Other wise I wouldn't be asking".
You: And then you get all gay.
You: And I go "Who screwed with your brain?"
You: Your answer? "Yes"......
You: .......................
You: And then you randomly go "I DON'T KNOW OF COURSE!"
Stranger: im sorry because English isnt my mother languge
You: ALL THIS
You: BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW
You: WHAT THE FUCK
You: A CMCC IS.
You: YOU WILL FUCKING TELL ME
You: WHAT CMCC IS.
You: WHAT DOES CMCC STAND FOR
Stranger: CMCC is a Chinese Bends
You: A CHINESE BENDS?
You: I'VE JUST MALFUNCTIONED
Stranger: bands
You have disconnected.

----------------------------

And that was me apparently just targeting foreigners. To be fair, and totally technical, Americans would be foreigners to me. But anyways.

Random Number 2: General Education in college. We all have to do it, but you're ten times as fucked if you're a Psych major. Why? BECAUSE YOU MUST TAKE EVERYTHING! You're forced to go through high school...again. Why? FUCK IF I KNOW. I'm taking classes that I literally took in high school. I took that in high school, give me the fucked up mental disease course. I'm sick of English courses. Sick, sick, fucking sick of them. If I have to do another stupid mechanics paper, or have to answer another annoying question concerning the writing process, I will start becoming a crazy coke addict. At least they're having fun. This sucks.

Random Number 3: Look mom, I can plastic drumkit it up



Yes that's me. I swear. I want to be good at one thing in this world, and damn it, it will be me hitting four electronic pads in a video game.

And that's it for now. Sorry it isn't a twenty page in-depth analysis of fucking video game movies, but I somewhat try. Until next time, die in a fire.

Ryu vs. Kasumi: THE ULTIMATE BATTLE!

The year is 1994. Super Street Fighter II for the SNES was released. The sequel to the popular 2D arcade fighting game Street Fighter. While both Street Fighter and Street Fighter II were popular in arcades, taking the quarters of many kids who frequented the arcades, they were even more popular in their home edition form, because, well, you didn't need to pump quarters into a machine. In no time, Ryu and his street fighting buddies joined the ranks of Mario and Sonic as video game heroes and the Street Fighter series was an instant classic.

The year is 2007. The arcade industry is on life support. Instead, most video game players decide to stay home and play with Bill Gates' creation, the XBox 360. On this console was Dead or Alive 4. The 3D fighting game, in addition to it's good gameplay, was known for it's cast of fighters, which mostly featured buxom females wearing very little clothing. Although DoA had been around since the late 90s in the arcades and on the Sega Saturn and Dreamcast, it's full popularity wouldn't fully blossom until, holiday season 2001, when Dead or Alive 3 was released as a launch game on the original XBox. Showcasing the game's sex appeal with the infamous "She kicks high" commercials, the game managed to fight it's way into gamers hearts (and hentai artists' brushes) and became an instant hit on the system. In fact, thanks to this sex appeal, developers Tecmo were able to develop a beach volleyball game, featuring the former fighters playing beach volleyball in skimpy bikinis. Really.

What do these two game series have in common?

They were both made into terrible movies that bombed in the theaters.

Yep, both of these video game-to-movie adaptations were huge failures. A look on Rotten Tomatoes tells us that Street Fighter has a 14% freshness rating while Dead or Alive got a 35%. Both of these movies were filmed under the premise of taking a popular fighting video game series, and trying to turn the small amount of plot from the game, into a full feature length movie and knowing die-hard fans will show up and hoping that you put enough action in the trailer to get people who know nothing about the games to show up. As a result, today, people of the interwebs, I am going to compare these movies side-by-side, using a professional process of comparing each in various categories that I just made up. Because this is my blog, bitch. If you want Roper and Ebert, you can go read their blog.


Plot:
Street Fighter:
Street Fighter's story starts out in some fictional country that evil general, M. Bison wants to destroy and turn into "Bisonopolis" complete with food court (he actually says this) and it's own awesome currency. Meanwhile, the All-American-Hero-Who-Must-Have-Studied-Abroad-In-Europe-Because-Jean-Claude-Van-Damme-Is-Playing Guile and his forces are trying to stop him. Unfortunately, Bison has kidnapped some of his troops and would kill them all unless he was paid $20 BILLION DOLLARS. Also, Bison took one of these soldiers (Blanka) and decided to perform an experiment on him that would turn him into the ULTIMATE WARRIOR! He does this with the help of a reluctant Dr. Dhalsim.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, conmen Ryu and Ken try to sell Sagat toy guns. Once he realizes they were up to no good, causin' trouble in his neighborhood, he forces them to fight Vega in an underground street fight. But before they can, Guile comes in, spoils the party and arrests everybody.

Sometime, it's explained that Chun-Li, Balrog and E. Honda (who turned Hawaiian from Japanese) are posing as a news crew, when they're simply out for revenge because M. Bison killed Chun-Li's father, and prevented Balrog from winning a boxing title and E. Honda from becoming Yokozuna. Or something.

(Also, it's worth noting that the SF characters shown on M. Bison's side are Zangiev and um... Dee Jay. As for Guile, he's teaming up with Cammy and... T. Hawk. Seriously.)

So, Guile fakes his own death in order to get Ryu and Ken into M. Bison's hideout as spies. To make it less conspicuous (or something) Sagat and Vega are also let free. I never really understood this plan.

Basically, from here on out, it's just your classic "good vs. evil" fight inside M. Bison's headquarters. The hostages are freed, Guile defeats M. Bison, everyone escapes (except Dhalsim and Blanka who decide to stay) Zangiev joins Guile's force, DeeJay and Sagat try to steal Bison's money, only to find out that it's the worthless "M. Bison Bucks" from before. Everybody poses. The End.


Dead or Alive:
The film opens up at Princess Kasumi's kingdom. Hayabusa (no, not the former FMW wrestler) tells her that her brother, Hayate, is dead. She tells him that he's lying and she's going to leave the kingdom to find him, despite the fact that she'll become a Shinobi. As she leaves, she runs into her brother's lover Ayane, who tells her that if she leaves the kingdom, she'll kill her. She doesn't care and leaves anyway via the ancient Japanese technique of hangliding. As she's flying away, she gets this flying shuriken invitation to fight in the DoA tournament.

Meanwhile, on a yaht is former wrestler Tina Armstrong. Basically, all that happens is that she tells her father, Bass, she doesn't want to wrestle anymore because she's "Done being fake" and then some Southeast Asian pirates show up and try to take her boat, but she kicks all their asses. Clearly, we should have called Jamie Pressly wearing an American Flag bikini top and some Daisy Duke Cutoffs to take care of those Somalian Pirates. She also gets an invitation.

We then go to a hotel room in Hong Kong, where Christie (above) is questioned by the police for some robbery. She kicks their ass while simultaneously getting dressed. As she escapes on a motorcycle, she gets one of the invitations too.

So, basically if you've played any of the games you know that DoA is this fighting tournament where the winner takes home a large amount of money. That's exactly what happens. Donovan is running the whole tournament, blah blah blah. Other than a lot of fighting, the only other things that happen are:

*This nerdy guy named Weatherby who helps oversee the tournament with Donovan develops a crush on Helena.

*Ayane is on the island to fuck up shit for Kasumi occasionally.

*Christie and her lover/associate Max who conned his way into the game, want to steal the money and run.

*Kasumi, Tina, Christie and Hayabusa are the ones to advance into the semi-finals. But Hayabusa is captured when he looks for Hayate in Hayabusa's lab.

And that brings us to the thrilling finale, where Kasumi, Tina and Christie go look for Hayabusa, when they're captured themselves. Donovan explains to them about his magical sunglasses that download information from fighters and uploads it to his mind, so he can fight amazingly. After downloading their moves, he brings out Hayate, and shows them THE POWER OF THE RAY BANS! After he kicks Hayate's ass, he sells the information he downloaded to buyers all over the world. But Weatherby is all "NUH-UH!" and stops the download and alerts the CIA. So, Donovan is all "FUCK!" and hits the self-destruct switch which was installed in 1962 when Goldfinger lived there. Kasumi, Tina and Christie go chase after Donovan and kick his ass by knocking off his MAGICAL RAY BANS and Kasumi uses the POWER OF ACUPUNCTURE to paralyze him while they escape and the lair explodes.

Six months later, Kasumi, Tina, Christie, Ayane and Helena are at Kasumi's kingdom fighting off mongols.

ADVANTAGE: DoA While I realized I heavily skimmed both movies plots because they simply weren't that interesting to write (and I'm lazy), until the end where it got all weird with magical sunglasses, DoA's was simply more interesting. Plus, there's alot of girls wearing very little. So, that's always a plus.

Accuracy to Original Game:

Street Fighter: So, other than the fact that there are characters with the same name and sometimes wear the same clothing represented in the game. Other than Chun-Li, Bison and Guile (I guess), the stories of each character were completely changed. Just reading my synopsis should raise a few red flags: Conmen Ryu and Ken, Balrog being a good guy (he's always been a boss), E. Honda being Hawaiian. However, by far the worst is the treatment of Dhalsim (above). As mentioned, he's turned into a meek doctor, who almost gets his ass kicked by an unnamed Bison guard until Blanka comes in and saves his ass. No YOGAONFIRE or stretch punches. Just a lame-ass scientist who turns Blanka good. I mean, I hate Dhalsim in the games, because one of my friends would always choose him and strech punch me across the screen while I couldn't get E. Honda close enough to do his One Thousand Slap technique. But nonetheless, Dhalsim has always been an important character in SF. I guess what pisses me off the most is that while Dhalsim is stuck being crap, guys like DeeJay and T. Hawk are pretending to be important characters. I mean, seriously, DeeJay?

Dead or Alive: Surprisingly, until that bizarre ending, it was following pretty closely to the stories of the game. The whole concept of the tournament is exactly what it says in the instruction manual. Except for Helena, who turns from that French opera singer into just some blonde chick, all the characters stories add up too and you can tell who they're supposed to be. All of the fighters from the 3rd game (and Eliot from the 4th game) are in the movie, albeit, in limited roles. Zack, Bass, Leon and Bayman are all shown prominently in addition to the main characters. While Lei Fang, Gen Fu, Jann Lee and Eliot are shown getting their asses kicked in earlier rounds. Hitomi's name is shown on the brackets, but you never actually see her. Shame, because that was who I always chose. Even some of the places they fight match the ones in the game.

Advantage: DoA


Nerd Factor (things that would make actual fans of the game applaud):

Street Fighter: So much. When Guile fakes his death by getting shot, he slow motion falls and yells like in the games. Capcom gets its logo on random barrels. M. Bison's flying podium has the arcade controls in it (above). Ryu HADOOOOUKENS (kind of). Ken SHORYUUUUKENS (kind of). E. Honda unleashes the Thousand Slaps. Cammy scissors (not in that way, perv). M. Bison uses lightning shit. There's tons more if you look closely. It's fun.

DoA: Well, they play beach volleyball in a scene. And when Weatherby is watching the fights on his screen, the camera moves exactly like how it does in the game. And like I said, a lot of the levels from the game are recreated in the movie. But that's it.

Advantage: Street Fighter

Characters/Acting:

Street Fighter: The late Raul Julia does an amazing job as M. Bison. And the M. Bison character is so awesome. His personal office is amazing, with paintings of him on a horse, and that clown painting you can sort of see in the picture above. Van Damme is unintentionally hilarious as Guile with his European accent and all. But M. Bison takes the cake.

DoA: You might recognize Devon Aoki who plays Kasumi as the ninja in Sin City. She does pretty well in the role, just being a bad ass. What you notice in Sin City though, is that she never talks. For good reason. She's a pretty terrible actress. Actually, all of the characters from that camp (Kasumi, Hayabusa, Hayate, Ayane) are pretty awful actors. All of them have a wooden delivery with absolutely no emotion. Jamie Pressly is pretty good as Tina, seeing as she is a decent actress. Though, I kept thinking that Crab Man was going to show up and Earl was going to walk by to cross off things off his list. Holly Valance was pretty good as Christie too. But it's no match for M. Bison.

Winner: Raul Julia/M. Bison/Street Fighter



And the winner is...

Not anyone who watched these movies. Alright, to be fair, if you're in the mood for a shallow action movie with lots of bouncing boobs and lots of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Wires effects, you could probably be entertained by DoA. And if you want a movie that you can laugh at for the wrong reasons, Street Fighter is a good bet. But honestly, if you're a fan of these series. You'd get more entertainment out of Street Fighter: The Later Years or one of those DoA porns out there, that a NSFW Google Image search could lead you to. Or hell, any porn for that matter.

You know, one has to wonder why they keep making movies based on fighting games. As there's a terrible Mortal Kombat movie made in the 90s, and plans for a Tekken movie. I mean, it's not like there's any fighting game with any deep plot. In all of the ending movies for Tekken Tag, I never understood them. Ever. And there are definitely video games out there that have larger fanbases and more of a plot to work with. Metal Gear Solid, anyone? So why don't they do movies on games like that?

I don't know for sure, but if I was to guess, it's that as mentioned, fighting games barely have a plot. Sure, some of the characters have backstories which the director may use (DoA) or use as a vauge suggestion and take a shit on the rest (SF) but other than that, it's pretty free reign. Meanwhile, a game like the before-mentioned MGS has such a detailed story, maybe they don't want to bother making sure there's no plot holes from the stories from the game. And if they can come up with a whole new story, why don't they just make a game from itt instead of making a poorly produced movie? I'm probably wrong, but that's my hypothesis.

Also, I guess fighting games are the easiest to have enough action so, hopefully, people who just like action movies, can find something interesting in the trailer. So that means, your viewing audience is 20% fans of the game, 10% people genuinely interested in the movie , and 70% empty seats. I don't know if I'll ever see the day where a director will actually make a decent movie based off a fighting game, or any game for that matter. But until that day comes, film companies should stop coming out with movies that only cater to such a niche market.

But wait!

While surfing the internet one day, I came across a banner ad for the movie above. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. I found this incredibly surprising. I guess Street Fighter is still popular in a nostalgic kind of way, and SFIV came out on all your new-fangled systems but it's in no way still popular enough to make a whole other movie on it. How many people on the street who see a poster for this movie or an ad actually knows what this means? 1 and 10? You're really stretching for a niche market when you're coming out with origin movies for something over two decades old.

But hey, there's still a possibility that it's a decent movie, right? I mean, how much interest was there in all those Marvel Comic movies before they came out? Those were pretty good nonetheless (well, except for The Hulk and Spider-Man 3). Could this be the mystical movie that's based off a game, and actually good?

Sadly, most definitely not. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 4% rating (and the funny thing is, the last time I checked, it was at 8%). Actually, it was because of this and a conversation with my friend that sparked the idea for this post anyway. The DVD comes out tomorrow, but I *ahem* obtained a copy in advance. Because of this, I'll go ahead and write out a review for this too. Expect it in a few days because I have nothing else better to do.

P.S.

The original Street Fighter movie leaves room for a sequel after the credits. M. Bison's hand is shown punching through some rubble and restarting a "World Domination" program. DoA was supposed to be the first in a trilogy, but the idea was scrapped when the original bombed so bad. And lastly, there were plans to make a The Legend of Ryu movie after this Chun-Li one, but it's unknown if they're still going to go through with it.

One more quick thing...

I AM THE WORLD CHAMPION OF MONOPOLY~!

AND I CAN OUTSMART A JEW AT A MONETARY-BASED GAME! FUCK YEAH!

Holy Hell, I have just discovered life on this blog!

I would like to thank Nate for FUCKING LIVING FOR ONCE.

"Having a girlfriend" is not a fucking excuse.

Bastard.

Now I have to think of something to write down before our surge of 6 people read this. Erm....*Reaches into the magical hat of topics*

Ah, media paranoia.

It's a bit late, but who cares? SWINE FLU TIME GOGOGOGOGO!

In the same vein as the whole 2012 bullshit, we have a good amount of Americans going batshit crazy over swine flu. Just recently, the WHO have decided to label this as a pandemic. Does that mean we're all dead?!

NO, RETARDS.

Jesus. H1N1 is just like any other fucking flu bug. I'm pretty sure the regular flu kills way more than this strain has. If you're one of those crying because there's a confrimed case in your state, grow a pair of balls. I don't care if you're female, grow them.

Let's look at something here. The official numbers are about 33000 cases...to 184 deaths.

Yes....33000:184 ratio.

OH NO, BREAK OUT THE PANIC ALARM. WE'RE ALL DEAD!!!!!

You know how much of a kill ratio that is? .01

You have a .01% chance of dying from this thing, and most people who died were on their way anyways, so stop shitting yourselves.

Now that belated rant is over, who wants pizza?

Because mine has become cold, inedible, and I must kill someone because of it.

After I watch some Dr. Ashens though, because fuck yeah.

See you in another 5 months, when Nate accidentally posts a heartfelt Facebook message as a new failblog.

Life as a Japanese Major

Yeah, I know, it's been a while. Four months, in fact. I could give you some excuse, but instead I'll just tell you the truth.... I was busy. Deal.

Anyway, as I've mentioned, I'm a Japanese Major at my college. Judging from people's "HO SHIT!?" response when I tell them this, Japanese isn't exactly a common thing to major in. Shockingly, the world of Japanese (I'll include East Asian Studies too) is very different than the world of Business Majors or Math Majors or Psychology Majors. For one, if you choose to be a Japanese/East Asian Studies major, you have to be interested in Japanese/East Asian cultures or languages or whatever (this probably goes for most language majors).

For example, let's say you're Joe Schmo, living in Westchester and your parents are forcing you to go through college to get a degree in something. Are you going to pick the major that requires being fluent in a bunch of goofy symbols? Fuck no you aren't. You're going to pick Sociology or Documentary Studies or whatever bullshit major you can find. My point is that, everyone who is a Japanese major is at least somewhat interested in Japanese.

Before I continue, read this article about the "Resident Douchebags" in Japanese classes. This has been 100% true in practically every Japanese class I have taken in the past 5 years, from high school to college (except for the Japanese Night Class I took where it was just me and my friend). Although, I've noticed that in my college classes, the "Resident Douchebag" was female. Actually, it was the same girl because she was in my classes for two semesters in a row. I swear to god, if she's in my class next year, I'll flip shit.

This brings me to the second point: EVERY JAPANESE MAJOR HATES EVERY OTHER JAPANESE MAJOR. Well, that's not entirely true. But at my school, there's roughly 75-100 Japanese/East Asian Studies majors/minors. Within this, there's cliques of friends that hate everybody outside their group of friends. In fact, there's fucking WARS between groups of people here that have been going on since the beginning of time. I transferred into this school, so I don't know exactly why but, seriously, it's ridiculous.

The reason for this? Do you remember that kid in high school, who never really showered a lot, and wore Naruto sweatshirts, and didn't really talk to anybody besides his friends who all played World of Warcraft? Rougly half of Japanese majors are Anime Nerds like this. And Anime Nerds don't really know how to act properly social... especially the females. As a result, you get Bitch World War over here.

Luckily, I'm part of the small portion of Japanese majors who might have Nerdish Qualities, but we're not anti-social pieces of crap either. For one, we actually talk to the Japanese people on our campus as opposed to the Anime Nerds who get all of their ideas about Japan from Gundam.

This was probably a boring article, but hey, it's something. I could write so much more about the World of Japanese Majors, but I'll save it for another day.

...Then what the fuck am I taking this for?

I've been seeing a lot of drug commercials lately, and holy shit. Here's what I hate/laugh at about drug commercials. Not the commercials itself. Not the silly names. Not the stupid looking family looking all happy while Bob can now get a boner. No. What gets me...are the side effects. After watching many commercials, I've divided the side effects of drugs into three categories:

Side Effects that will affect you if you're a living human being
- The sort of commercials that go "Don't take if you're pregnant, smoking, male, female, alive, or drinking". Like Christ, let me get out my checklist. If I miss one, I'M A DEAD MAN.

Drugs that will invalidate the very thing it's supposed to do
- This one might make me laugh most. Like, get this. I'm watching this commercial for asthma inhalers. The very purpose of it is to control asthma...and what do I hear? "Warning! May increase the risk of asthma attacks!".......
............
THEN WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? IT'S LIKE POUNDING YOUR HEAD INTO A DESK FOR A HEADACHE. Thanks useless medicine that made things worse.

Medicine with a risk of DEATH
- Why does half the drugs out there kill you? Literally, half the commercials are saying "This drug might increase risk of heart attack, and in some cases, death".
Like...you're making the disease you're supposed to treat better than the damn drug. I want to have pain relief, but not such where you kill me for it. Shit.

And that is my filler post until our next big project...which we're working on. Well I'm working on. All I'm getting from Nate is "Yeah" "Bwaahaha" and "SHUT UP I NEED TO FLIP MY BOSTON RECORD OVER". So, we'll see.

Until then, see ya. Bitch(es).

New Toys

I was bored earlier tonight and decided to take this random video of the USB turntable I bought from Woot with my camera (coincidentally, also bought from Woot).



Yeah, expect better content soon. Just posting this here, because I can.

Also, if you're so inclined to see high definition video of my hand, a record player and the corner of my desk, if you go to the actual YouTube page, you'll be able to.

DING DING DING, ROUND TWO!

Keeping on the recycling of ideas concept, I have decided to recycle an idea I have already done on the Failblog. No, not the whole "contract another disease and almost die again" idea, but rather the "make fun of a website that is against swearing" idea, with a bit of a twist. This time, I go after "The No Cussing Club" (http://www.nocussing.com/home.html). There is a place where you can send them a message. I was entertaining the idea of doing this and then actually sending it to them, but have since rescinded the idea (for now, due to possible legal purposes, maybe. I dunno). However, for your entertainment, I will still write out the message as it was intended...and who knows? Maybe I will send it in the future. But eh, here it goes.

Dear No Cussing Club,

I have viewed your site in its entirety, and I have concluded that this is the most nonsense site I have ever been to. I disagree entirely with your view of the following: That "swearing" is wrong and the world would be better without it. Let's start with how you think cursing is wrong. You're going to sit there and tell me that somehow my words are affecting my character. Listen, I am very happy and proud of who I am. I am a very intelligent individual, who is studying to eventually gain a Ph.D in Psychology. I know I can obtain this goal, because I am a very hard worker and, again, very intelligent. But you'll sit there and judge who I am because I swear. That is absolutely wrong of you to do such a thing. You're judging people who swear to be immoral heathens, even if you attempt to say otherwise. That is a lot worse than me saying a few naughty words.



Don't fucking point at me you little cunt. That's more fucking rude than me going up to your mother and going "get the hell out the way you 2 dollar whore."

Let me entertain you with something. You give the impression that swearing is so immoral and impactful on the world. Well, isn't what you doing pretty much the same thing? You ARE judging people based on their swearing. You have noted that "swearing" as immoral, and have charged with the idea that if you don't swear, you are a better person than the kid down the street who does swear. You're essentially elevating a group of people over another, a far more dangerous practice than saying a few words that have been deemed evil by a few people. What you are doing is religious in nature. Did the Catholic Church not say casual sex out of marriage is immoral and sinful? Never mind the fact that it's in human nature in the first place to have sex. Never mind that the person who came up with the idea that sex outside of marriage was, in fact, sexually active to a large degree, and is a downright hypocrite. But the fact that they place themselves above people who have sex outside of marriage, much like how you're doing it to people who swear, is more damaging for our society.




Also, the little boy besides you looks like he shat himself. Stop being a selfish bitch, all caught up in the fucking limelight of your shitty club, and help the poor bastard. HE HAS SHIT HIS PANTS. Also, one of the girls up the top looks retarded. Like you.

Back to impact on society. In our current culture, people are expected to swear. Everyone does it from time to time, for that is what America has become...a place where we can express ourselves freely with any word we want. To go against the culture is frowned upon. Oh wait, isn't that what you're doing? Seems mighty unpatriotic. Talking about patriotic, let's talk about freedom. Freedom...of speech maybe? One of the core rights this nation was founded upon, and you're shoving that away, all for a stupid club and some ridiculous idea that contradicts one of the founding principles this nation was founded upon. I have the right to say anything I want, without oppression, and here you come along...saying that what I say is immoral and wrong. You're suppressing my freedom to say what I want, which is for more damaging than me saying a word. What you're doing is down right illegal, by suggesting that I limit what I say.



Pfffh. That's your fucking celebrity endorsement? RUDY? Oh shit, well fuck me. How can I compete with Rudy? Oh yeah. I have literally shat out greater things than him. God, what the fuck? That's just fucking stupid. What's next? Barney The Dinosaur?



NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT HULK HOGAN! YOU BASTARDS!!!! NOT THE HULKSTER! HE'S GONE BENEDICT ARNOLD! HE'S NO LONGER AMERICA! HE SUPPORTS THE OPPRESSION!

In conclusion, you stupid little cunt, your self righteous asshole act is tiring, unappealing, and hypocritical. You are not the moral good. You are a piece of shit who is in the wrong. You're trying to suppress my freedom to say what I want, you fucking retard. Go die in a fire. Go get hanged, drawn, and quartered. What you're doing to kids is more psychologically damaging than if I went up to them and said "Fuck you". Once your balls dropped, I hope you gain the critical thinking skills and maturity to figure out that your "no cussing club" is a fucking sham. Kill yourself.

Sincerely,
Awesome Fail Dude.

PS: You look like a shit face. No wonder nobody likes you.

Burger King Makes WHAT!?

Note: The following is a paper I wrote for my writing class due tomorrow that I haphazardly threw together after I was unable to think of anything with substance to put together. The assignment was that we had to write a page paper on basically anything we wanted... at least I hope... I dunno... Anyway, if it's good enough for my class, it's good enough for FailBlog. But this explains why there's a fucking footnote, and the higher level of professionalism(?) Enjoy, or something. Also, sorry for the bad formatting, it fucked up since I copied it from Word, and I don't give enough of a shit to fix it.

In the midst of doing work in the library, my coffee level from that morning’s breakfast sank to zero. I decided to walk over to the well over-priced, Outtakes campus convenience store to recharge. Passing through the aisles, something caught my eye: A large Burger King logo on three bags. I guess that the marketing department accomplished their job. Upon closer inspection, I discovered that these were actually Burger King endorsed bags of chips. This amazed me. I always expect fast food chains to attempt shocking marketing ploys, but seeing Burger King making a brand of snack food surprised me to no end. This isn’t the first time a restaurant branded a kind of snack food (In fact, the company behind these Burger King snacks was also behind the T.G.I Friday’s snacks as well)[1] but I never thought Burger King would venture into the snack world.

There were three types of varieties available: “Ketchup & Fries,” “Flame Broiled” and “French Toast.” Feeling daring, I decided to go with “French Toast.” They looked like brown Cheetos. On the first try, they didn’t taste good or bad… more “interesting” than anything else. But as I continued eating them, they got better and better with each one. I’ve never specifically had French toast at Burger King but it was pretty impressive how much they taste like maple. You could taste a faint buttery undertone, the combination made it really taste like French toast. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that they’ve created “Burger King in a Bag” and made it so people no longer have to go to a real Burger King to get their unhealthy food but bravo, Burger King. I expected failure, and was pleasantly surprised to find success.

---

[1] Hartford, Jamie. "Burger King to Debut Branded Snacks." QSR 09 2007 28 Jan 2009 .

Man, I had what Zachary Taylor had? Fuck.

Sup?

Not much, nearly died last Friday.

Oh. OK. How?

Well, here's what happened:

Friday morning. Woke up fine. No issues. At noon, I started to get a little upset stomach. Meh. About an hour later, it got worse, so I decided to sleep it off. An hour after that, I threw up. It takes a lot for me to throw up, but I figured I'd be good, since I felt much better afterward.

ROFLWRONG.

It became much worse. By my third time vomiting, I was already seeing bits of blood in it. I hadn't eaten anything, so I was only vomiting bile. So the stress and the acidity had worn something in my intestinal track to bleeding. Nothing bad, though.

So, when I thought it couldn't get any worse, here comes the diarrhea. Like what the fuck. Half the time, it literally came out of both ends at the same time. I couldn't be bothered to hold one while the other went. That's why we invented buckets.

Right, now my parents become panicky, as they force me to go to the urgent care ward at the doctor's office. Still suffering. Still feel like I'm dying. Shit still sucks. And guess what? IT GET'S WORSE.

I am going to tell you now that I am scared of needles. Like really scared. Like near vomiting whenever I get one scared. Well...because of my dehydration, I needed an IV!

Guess my reaction...

That's right: panic, suffering, and man did I vomit a lot.

Well, I had no choice. Plus, they were going to give me a drug to counteract the vomiting and make me feel better. So they go to put the IV in. Vein blew. Round two. vein cowered. Round three. Third vein blew. I became absolutely frustrated. I hate needles in my arm, and now they just put three in me AND FUCKING FAILED. Thank Christ they got a good nurse in on the fourth one who knew what she was doing. That shit went in fine.

Got the IV fluids and the anti-sick medicine. And guess what, when I got up after the IV was done, the anti-sick drug decided to not do its job.

So I started throwing up...again. Twice by the time I reached the car to go home.

The official diagnoses was Gastroenteritis. My sentence was to have the worst night of my life.

So I got home, and threw up again before lying in bed. I was given another anti-sick pill and an anti-diarrhea pill.

The anti-diarrhea pill worked great. Haven't had any since. Although I do feel a bit blocked. Ah well. As for vomiting. Well, after a few more times and noooooooo sleep what so ever, it is gone.

I type before you, two days later, with two aching arms with needle tracks in them, one very sensitive stomach that's prone to bouts of relief and churning, and very constrictive and tight stomach muscles that completely kill whenever I need to cough or walk.

Oh, and I have to take an online literary exam before Sunday is done. FUCK.

Not as descriptive as I'd have like, but I have an excuse. It fucking hurts sometimes to sit here and type, especially the IV shit.

So, until next time, don't contract Gastroenteritis, because it fucking sucks.

Stuff About Israel

As you avid FailBlog readers know, I recently went to Israel. I got back to America this past Wednesday. Yes, I'm alive. However, I can only count to nine on my fingers now (jk lol). The expirience was really amazing. Definitely a worthwhile trip. Everywhere we were, it was hard to believe that there was a war being fought less than 100 miles away. I'd type up my whole expirience, but that would be pages and pages of work I don't want to do. Also, if you came here expecting to read about political opinions about Israel, stop sniffing glue and go somewhere else. I'm sure there are pleanty of blogs you could read on that issue. FailBlog will not be one of them. Why you'd think FailBlog would be one of them is a mystery in itself.

That said, I present to you *ahem*

Five Random Observations About Israel

• Napkins: This was probably my biggest gripe about Israel. In America, we're used to getting large napkins and having an abundance of them. In Israel, for whatever reason, they decided to make their napkins really, really small. I've had receipts larger than the napkins you get in Israel. What's worse is that, when you order your food, they'll only give you one napkin and if they even have a napkin dispenser, it will only be on one or two of the tables. So, if you're sitting at one of the tables that doesn't have it, you get to go on a mighty quest to find it. It's not that I'm an overly messy eater or anything, but most of the food in Israel is covered in sauces and wrapped in a pita or something. You need a napkin for this.

• Israelis: While I'm not trying to make a ridiculous blanket claim about all Israelis, in fact, the ones who were with us on our trip were pretty awesome people, but I found that most Israelis are sort of... well... aggressive. They won't say excuse me when they bump into you, nor if you're in the way and they're trying to get around you. They'll just push you out of the way and continue on their business. If they're trying to sell you something or are asking for money, the only way to get away is to run away. I don't know if you've seen those "Dead Sea Cosmetics" sellers in malls and stuff, but if you have, you know how aggressive they can be. Now, imagine an entire mall or street like that. That's Israel.

• El-Al Airline Food: If you travel on El-Al Airlines to Israel. Try not to eat anything. ESPECIALLY the beef dinner. I was on the toilet for two days. I didn't order the beef on the way back, but still ran to the toilet in Newark once we landed. It's not a bad airline otherwise, but god damn. And this sort of leads into my next point...
  

• Public Restrooms: This is the only thing on this list so far which I liked. A little odd, really. But yeah, the coolest thing about public restrooms in Israel is that usually, instead of stalls like we have in America. They have separate fucking rooms to do your business in. Seriously. You'll have your sinks, the urinals, then instead of stalls, the toilets are each in their own room. Separated by walls. We need this in the US. It's probably just me, but I hate when you can hear the guy in the stall next to you doing his number two.
  

• Burgers Bar: This was one of the best fast food burger places that I've had, not only in Israel, but ever. We only had a chance to eat here once, but I'm glad I did. They grill you a burger when you order it, and you have a variety of sauces and veggies they can put on from there. For about 45 Sheckles (about $10) you get a burger, fries and a drink. Not a bad deal.
  

So there you have it, five observations about Israel. Even though three of the five were things I didn't like, again, I had an absolute blast there. It's just easier for me to bitch about things.

Oh yeah, the picture on this post was a picture I took at the beach of our hotel on the Dead Sea.

Going back to Albany tomorrow. See ya next time.

I feel a hot wind on my shoulder...

I'm surprised Nate beat me to the punch. The amount of hassle that comes from me for him to post anything is triple the work he puts into each of his posts, the bastard.

2008 is gone. 2009 is here. We're all happy!

But I have seen a disturbing trend. The good old "WE'RE ONE YEAR CLOSER TO 2012 OH SHIT BALLS WE'RE DEAD!!!"

No.

Let me spell it out: WE'RE NOT DEAD.

The illustrious date of 12/21/2012, for those informed, is the date in which the Mayan calendar stops, apparently predicting some widespread change.

Now, give a date and a promise of worldwide change in the world, and the first thing on everyone's mind is "DEATH AND THE APOCALYPSE OMG NOOOOOOOO!"

Calm down, no. It's not happening. Just because some dead civilization forgot to finish their calendar, does not mean we're all dead. Some magical asteroid isn't coming on such a specific date. Jesus Christ, who has nothing to do with the fucking Mayans, isn't descending on us for our final salvation (that is, if you even believe that'll happen).

People will die on that day, but nothing more than the norm. Maybe a bit more than usual, and let me tell you why. Those idiotic enough to believe our forthcoming doom is on that day might get a bit antsy...might start killing themselves or even others. It's nothing different then any other day that has some sort of darkness attached to it. For example, Columbine happening on Adolf Hitler's birthday.

In conclusion, December 21st, 2012 will come...and pass...and we'll all be hunky dory. So shut the fuck up.

And have a nice year.

You fucks.

So long 2008, and Thanks for the Fish

Happy New Year's everyone! I hope 2008 went well, and 2009 goes better blah blah blah all that jazz.

Mainly, I just did this so I could get the first post of 2009 instead of Luke. Go me.

I was thinking about doing a "Best of 2008" post or something of the sort but actually, I'm leaving to go to Israel on Saturday for 10 days. Yes. Really. That Israel. Yes, I'm aware what's happening there. Thank you for your concern. Anyway, by the time I come back, it won't really be relevant to have a post like that. But I'm sure I'll have something interesting to write about from the trip. I mean, I'm basically spending all day Saturday in airports. This is basically what my Saturday looks like:

11 AM: Go to Burlington "International" Airport for 1 PM flight to JFK.
1 PM: Fly to JFK.
(Let's say) 2:30 PM: Land at JFK.
6 PM: Meet up with group.
10 PM: Get on an 11 hour flight to Israel.

So yeah, this will be one long Saturday.

See you in a few.

QUEER ALERT: THE POETRY SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT MY ASS

You know, I was on my 360, playing Rock Band 2, and swearing out every motherfucker who sucked dick at the game. I then came across a player's profile, and his/her "bio" (I have a Ulysses S Grant quote on the Art of War because I'm fucking awesome), I saw this...really deep poem. It barely rhymed, but it didn't have to. It spoke...worlds to me. I nearly teared up. It motivated me to come up with my own deep poem about me. So, please, have a read, and tell me what you think:

--------------------------------------------

In the darkness of the night
May the spirits come and make me whole

A draining day such as this was just too much

Forgoing the usual theatrics
Under the moonlit sky
Comes the nightmares of the day
Killing me tortuously slow
I am merely a man
Naked among the arrows
Gearing up for my execution

Many think I'm crazy
Others think I'm a genius
Really I'm both
Only one problem:
Neither are alive

AKA: Poets who right shit like this need to be shot for their stupidity (find the hidden message lololololol)

Official Failblog PS: All blogs will now contain the tag: AMERICA FUCK YEAH. Starting three days ago.

A Post About A Series Of Tubes

If you were like me and didn't wake up until after the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade was over, here's what you missed:



There's a part of me laughing at this, and there's a part of me crying mercifully for the future.

Let's take a step back in the time machine and go back to the early days of the internet. No, not back to the early, early days when the 13 websites on the internet were all porn. But a little later than that. Kiddies, there was a time when we didn't have things like "Cable Internet" or "DSL" Nope, we had "56k" plugged right into the phone line. I remember the days of me using our shitty AT&T service, my mother yelling at me "Nate, get off the internet! We need to make a call!" Ahh... the internet was a completely different beast then.

We didn't have YouTube back then. Lets say you were trying to look up Primus music videos, you simply could not point your browser to YouTube, or Veoh, or Megavideo or one of the few dozen streaming video sites. No, you searched Yahoo (because Google was obscure and non-existant then, shocking) for three hours until you got to some dude's FTP site in Moscow who happened to rip these videos from television, but because the internet was painfully slow back then, the only way he could upload them without it taking three years was to put them into a format that was roughly the size of a postage stamp. But you found these videos, and you waited the four hours it took to download, and you enjoyed these videos. Because that's all you could find. And downloading music? Before big-bad-Napster came along, that was not possible.

But back in this incarnation of the internet, it wasn't widely used. The only people using it were dorks like us. Everyone else knew how good it was, but they weren't using it regularly. I mean, it was pointless to wait for the news to load online, when you could go to the store and buy a newspaper in the time that it'd load. The internet was not just a viable option for everyday people. The internet was almost like an exclusive club.

Lets go back to 2008.

If you don't use the internet, please stand up now.

...right.

The internet is mainstream now. You have to go to the deep, dark, bowels of the woods in order to find someone who doesn't use the internet for anything. The internet was slowly becoming popular culture. I mean, first, you had VH1 showing YouTube videos. That's alright, because they showed it at a time when only internet people were awake, and plus, VH1 pretty much caters to our crowd anyway (I swear, I've watched every single "I Love The____" at least a dozen times). Then you've got Weezer's video for their song Pork and Beans but, that's alright, because again, Weezer could pull this off. They're that type of crowd.

But we've jumped the shark with this Macy's Parade business.

Matt of X-Entertainment has put many reviews of old Macy's Thanksgiving Parades on his website and one of the things he often says is that looking back at these old Parades really shows you what pop culture was for that time. And Pop Culture in 2008 is Rick Rolling.

Let's think about this for a minute. Whomever planned this parade thought it'd be a good idea to invite Rick Astley to perform on a float at THE Macy's Thanksgiving Parade based on an internet joke, because let's face it, what the fuck was Rick Astley doing all this time? Then someone in the Macy's organization okayed this idea. This means that knew what Rick Rolling was, and assumed that the hundreds of Americans watching leaving the parade on while they're making dinner knew what this joke was too.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, it's always a victory when a meme gets onto a national broadcast of some kind, but this wasn't even a prank. Someone willingly put this on the air. It absolutely blows my mind. Especially that last line. "I love Rick Rolling." Sweet Moses.

The internet is in a different place now. One that not geeks and nerds use, but one that everyone uses. Granted, there will still be 4chan jokes that will never see the public. But still, the internet is mainstream, who knows what will show up on ABC, CBS or NBC next.

Blogspot is Fail

Sup?

I've been busy. But for all three of you excited people, he's a new entry.

Ever since day one of me being introduced to this place by Nate, I have been looking at random blogs..................still yet to find one that doesn't annoy me/throw me off..............

I, using my nice HTML knowledge, will now provide a nice looking list of all the general blogs that piss me off.

THE AWESOME LIST OF "WTFBLOGSPOT?!"

TYPE: The "I'm so deep and unique" blog.

RANT: You are not unique. There are many idiots just like you. Plus, that format is just annoying.

if i wanted

to just be

deep

and special

i'll

use

the magic

of SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

TYPE: The "KIDSKIDSKIDSKIDSKIDSSEEMYKIDS" blog.

RANT: Within five clicks of the next blog, I bet you will see someone posting oodles of pictures of their kids. Tell me, who searches for kids? Oh yeah, Pedophiles. Thank you for putting your kid's pictures out there. They are now some pervert's whacking material. Besides, if I wanted to see little children, I'll go outside and start dropkicking some in the face. After I viewed all these annoying little kids, I really do need to go kick one.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

TYPE: The "I'm obsessed with 'WTF'" blog.

RANT: I had originally objected to giving example links, but fuck it for this one.[http://donkey-dreams.blogspot.com/] WHAT THE FUCK? DONKEYS? WHO THE FUCK LOVES DONKEYS THIS MUCH? How sad of a life do you have in order to love donkeys? Who grows up going "Awww, I want to love donkeys?"...Meth kids, that's who.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

TYPE: The "HolaIchEshfearejfeioajoieajfoieajiwhatlanguageisthat" blog.

RANT: Okay, before I get "DUDE THAT IS SO PREJUDICE" shit, shut it. I am just annoyed that every half click is a wasted one. I demand to be entertained by shitty blogs, and if I can't be entertained because I don't understand just what the fuck you're saying, then there's no point in me reading. If there is no point, then my time is wasted. Then when half of my "next blogs" click turns up other languages, it becomes "Okay, don't understand that. *Clicks* Okay, don't understand that. *Clicks* Okay, where's all the English gone? *Clicks* OH WHAT THE FUCK? A LINE THROUGH THE O? THAT'S JUST ILLEGAL!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

TYPE: The "Look at all the gadgets that I can cram into my blog!!!!" blog.

RANT: Once in a while, you come across these whore blogs where all they do is just put meaningless stat counters, chats, organizers, calendars, and ball kicking midgets. The most annoying one is when I'm looking at a blog, and right in my face, it says "A GUY FROM MINNESOTA HAS VISITED THIS SITE!!!" It's like fuck you, I didn't give you permission to state where I live. If you're going to give the city I live in to anyone who views your blog, then I'm suing you for releasing information that I didn't give you permission to release. Expect my million dollar lawsuit on your doorstep in the morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, people, I hope you like it. The failblog refuses to ever fall into these annoying, tool-like blogs. We will be original, funny, awesome, and we won't sponsor anyone.

Oh, and check out http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/34-nostalgia-critic

Do it now.

Because it wins as much as this site. Maaaaaaaaybe a tad bit more.

Damn right I just broke our last rule in two seconds, because I rule.

Until next time.

Orange Julius Appreciation Thread

Back home in Vermont, we don't have a lot of stuff you city-folk take for granted. For example, there's no 7-11s in Vermont, they're finally building our first IHOP and I have never stepped inside a Target. To make things worse, usually, all the cool stuff that we do manage to get usually closes and something horribly lame opens in its place. Case in point, in our local mall (called the "U-Mall" by us Burlingtonites) there was an A&W in the food court. It was cool. About a few years ago, it closed and they opened up a Quiznos. That wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't a Subway a few yards away.

Anyway, to get to my point, the second day that I was in Albany, I went to the Crossgates Mall. Because this mall is bigger than my neighborhood, I was amazed by all the stores they've managed to put in this mall. There's three different Journey's (regular, for kids, and some sort of weird new-age, expensive, designer Journeys store... just in case you want some Chuck Taylors with abstract art, I guess), two Lids, a Best Buy, a Friendly's etc. etc.

Then I saw it. It's neon sign glowing in the distance. One I haven't seen since I was a wee child.

Orange Julius.

While I was still recovering from the shock of seeing an Orange Julius, I continued wandering around the mall... and then I saw the sign again... coupled with a Dairy Queen.

My mind was blown. Dairy Queen is my favorite burger joint and to see it with Orange Julius. Holy shit.

A long, long, long time ago, the other mall in Vermont (called the "Downtown Mall" by us Burlingtonites) had an Orange Julius. But then, this mall sort of went down the shitter and really blew for a bit until they decided to close it for a bit and revamp everything. When it finally reopened, it still sucked... but it was better than it was. But unfortunately, whoever was in charge decided that this mall was only going to have two stores in it's food court. A pizza place that was there since the old mall, and a standard mall-fare Chinese place. The Orange Julius? Gone. A giant wall in it's place.

Unfortunately, I did not have enough money to relive my childhood memories that day. As I walked away, I looked back and said to the Orange Julius "Next time, next time..."

And that brings us to this afternoon.

Because my roommate was still sleeping and the room smelled like ass, I decided to venture back down to Crossgates Mall and finally get my beloved Orange Julius. I went to the straight-up Orange Julius location and not the OJ/DQ combo. As I looked at the menu, I noticed all the different crap you can put in it. Blasphamy. It's called Orange Julius not Raspberry-Banana-Fusion-Candy Julius. I asked for a small, which came out to roughly three bucks. I handed the cashier my money and a straw, and she gave me a cup full of orangey goodness. I took my first sip of an Orange Julius in over 10 years.

Instantly, I was brought back to my childhood. I was in the old mall with my mother, eating a Lemon-Poppyseed muffin top and drinking an Orange Julius as I so often did when my mom brought me shopping with her when I was too young to stay at home by myself (this had to be before I was in 3rd Grade). I was in Orange and Creme heaven. No frozen drink will ever be as good as an Orange Julius. Slush Puppies? Yeah right. Icees? Dream on. They don't have SHIT on Orange Julius. It was so good, I almost didn't mind the person who was coughing TB on the back of my neck on the bus.

Unforutnately, the dream was over. I sucked the cup so clean, that I probably could have gone back and given it back to the cashier to use again. I bid adieu to the cup in the trash knowing fully that we'd meet again soon.

BONUS: As I was writing this article and thinking about the old mall. I almost perfectly remember going to the video game store there with my dad and buying Donkey Kong Country 2 for the SNES for my mom's birthday. Yup. That's my family for you.

Sadly, that video game store left before the renovation, and is now a Claire's or something. When the mall reopened, they gave us the world's smallest EB Games. Seriously, it's like the size of a phone booth. All the games are put side-by-side and cover the whole wall. It's a little ridiculous.

The Mothers Against Swearing Association...can fuck off

Hi there, motherfuckers. If you haven't god damned notice, you fucks, I have a little bit of a swearing problem. Luckily, some mothers feel compelled to rid me of this cursed character flaw. First, let me show you around the site, before I show you the 12 step programs (That's right Alcoholics, you're being ripped off!). http://www.geocities.com/masavolvo/Home.htm The home page, with their very quaint message:

"Dear Internet Surfer, First off, let us thank you dearly for taking the time out of your busy lifestyle to stop by and get help with your problem. At some point in our lives we all have a problem. Some problems could be as simple as what percentage of milk to purchase at your local convenience store. Other problems, the more serious ones can involve swearing. Our organization exists because people have the will power to stop swearing. Now, with the help of this website, you can to. After completion of the 12 step program within this website we hope we have made a difference in your lives, as much as we have made a difference in the others who have completed our program. Please, browse the Internet web links at the top and bottom of this page. Browse them as much as you like, we are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 and sometimes 366 days a year."
Sounds wonderful doesn't it? Sometimes I worry about milk, and then sometimes I cause the world to implode with my shitty language. Damn me. Also, leap year doesn't count.

Now kids, before I learn to stop swearing like a fucking sailor, let's read their message.

"Our message is very simple and can be summed up in two words: Stop Swearing. If the world stops swearing, it will be a better place for all of us. Thank You."

Now...why? Why would the world be a better place without swearing? It's a word. A WORD. A SPOKEN WORD. Why grow up in a society that has blacklisted certain words as "bad"? What the hell is the point of that? It's a damn facade to make someone seem superior morally. Unfortunately, their bid for morality kills their intelligence.

But, let's pretend I'm an absolute retard (not a long shot lololololol). It is time for the TWELVE...STEP...PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First Step: "Ask Yourself: Why are you swearing?"
- Me: Hey Luke...
- Me: Sup?
- Me: Why do you swear?
- Me: Cause I can motherfucker. Words are just words.

Second Step:

1. Create a Swear Jar
1. Get an empty sauce jar, and clean it
2. Every Time You Swear place a dollar in it

- Wait a minute...If I put money in a jar, wouldn't the money be going to me anyways...but if others in the house swear..........................I'D BE RICH! IT PAYS TO SWEAR!!!!!!

Third Step: "Identify your problem sentences (For some it could be, **** I just pricked my finger whist sewing! Say: Ouch! I just pricked my finger sewing!)"
- God, this is going to take a while. How 'bout, instead of saying "Nate, post a fucking blog", I'll say "Nate, post a dandy blog...you damn je-"

Fourth step: "Tell Yourself you will never swear again"
- Make me.

Fifth Step: "Tell Your Parents you will never swear again (In the case that you do not have living parents, tell your guardian or another relative)"
- Me: Hey dad.
- Dad: Yeah?
- Me: I'll never swear again.
- Dad: That's good son.
- Me: You damn je-

Sixth step: "Tell Your friends you will never swear again (You should also promote a non swearing environment)"
- Me: "Hey friend"
- Friend: "Sup bitch?"
- Me: "How bout you lay down on the swearing, jerkoff?"

Seventh - Twelfth Step: "Continue to use your swear jar
Continue to visit this website and bookmark it! (we may have updated tips!)
Type or write out this sentence: I will never swear again! For a minimum of One thousand times.
Listen to music that has lyrics with no swearing
Continue not to swear!"

- *Makes More Money*
- ROFL NO
- I will never swear again x 1000
- *Listens to "Bastard" by Ed Gein*
- Okay dickwad.

So, I went through my twelve steps, and now what?

I GET CERTIFIED!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to to stop swearing and make the world a better place. I hope to be a good example in the future. I leave you with a picture of not only the certificate, but me holding it to show you that I have passed MASA's test.



















Failblog for the win, you fucks.