Orange Julius Appreciation Thread

Back home in Vermont, we don't have a lot of stuff you city-folk take for granted. For example, there's no 7-11s in Vermont, they're finally building our first IHOP and I have never stepped inside a Target. To make things worse, usually, all the cool stuff that we do manage to get usually closes and something horribly lame opens in its place. Case in point, in our local mall (called the "U-Mall" by us Burlingtonites) there was an A&W in the food court. It was cool. About a few years ago, it closed and they opened up a Quiznos. That wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't a Subway a few yards away.

Anyway, to get to my point, the second day that I was in Albany, I went to the Crossgates Mall. Because this mall is bigger than my neighborhood, I was amazed by all the stores they've managed to put in this mall. There's three different Journey's (regular, for kids, and some sort of weird new-age, expensive, designer Journeys store... just in case you want some Chuck Taylors with abstract art, I guess), two Lids, a Best Buy, a Friendly's etc. etc.

Then I saw it. It's neon sign glowing in the distance. One I haven't seen since I was a wee child.

Orange Julius.

While I was still recovering from the shock of seeing an Orange Julius, I continued wandering around the mall... and then I saw the sign again... coupled with a Dairy Queen.

My mind was blown. Dairy Queen is my favorite burger joint and to see it with Orange Julius. Holy shit.

A long, long, long time ago, the other mall in Vermont (called the "Downtown Mall" by us Burlingtonites) had an Orange Julius. But then, this mall sort of went down the shitter and really blew for a bit until they decided to close it for a bit and revamp everything. When it finally reopened, it still sucked... but it was better than it was. But unfortunately, whoever was in charge decided that this mall was only going to have two stores in it's food court. A pizza place that was there since the old mall, and a standard mall-fare Chinese place. The Orange Julius? Gone. A giant wall in it's place.

Unfortunately, I did not have enough money to relive my childhood memories that day. As I walked away, I looked back and said to the Orange Julius "Next time, next time..."

And that brings us to this afternoon.

Because my roommate was still sleeping and the room smelled like ass, I decided to venture back down to Crossgates Mall and finally get my beloved Orange Julius. I went to the straight-up Orange Julius location and not the OJ/DQ combo. As I looked at the menu, I noticed all the different crap you can put in it. Blasphamy. It's called Orange Julius not Raspberry-Banana-Fusion-Candy Julius. I asked for a small, which came out to roughly three bucks. I handed the cashier my money and a straw, and she gave me a cup full of orangey goodness. I took my first sip of an Orange Julius in over 10 years.

Instantly, I was brought back to my childhood. I was in the old mall with my mother, eating a Lemon-Poppyseed muffin top and drinking an Orange Julius as I so often did when my mom brought me shopping with her when I was too young to stay at home by myself (this had to be before I was in 3rd Grade). I was in Orange and Creme heaven. No frozen drink will ever be as good as an Orange Julius. Slush Puppies? Yeah right. Icees? Dream on. They don't have SHIT on Orange Julius. It was so good, I almost didn't mind the person who was coughing TB on the back of my neck on the bus.

Unforutnately, the dream was over. I sucked the cup so clean, that I probably could have gone back and given it back to the cashier to use again. I bid adieu to the cup in the trash knowing fully that we'd meet again soon.

BONUS: As I was writing this article and thinking about the old mall. I almost perfectly remember going to the video game store there with my dad and buying Donkey Kong Country 2 for the SNES for my mom's birthday. Yup. That's my family for you.

Sadly, that video game store left before the renovation, and is now a Claire's or something. When the mall reopened, they gave us the world's smallest EB Games. Seriously, it's like the size of a phone booth. All the games are put side-by-side and cover the whole wall. It's a little ridiculous.

The Mothers Against Swearing Association...can fuck off

Hi there, motherfuckers. If you haven't god damned notice, you fucks, I have a little bit of a swearing problem. Luckily, some mothers feel compelled to rid me of this cursed character flaw. First, let me show you around the site, before I show you the 12 step programs (That's right Alcoholics, you're being ripped off!). http://www.geocities.com/masavolvo/Home.htm The home page, with their very quaint message:

"Dear Internet Surfer, First off, let us thank you dearly for taking the time out of your busy lifestyle to stop by and get help with your problem. At some point in our lives we all have a problem. Some problems could be as simple as what percentage of milk to purchase at your local convenience store. Other problems, the more serious ones can involve swearing. Our organization exists because people have the will power to stop swearing. Now, with the help of this website, you can to. After completion of the 12 step program within this website we hope we have made a difference in your lives, as much as we have made a difference in the others who have completed our program. Please, browse the Internet web links at the top and bottom of this page. Browse them as much as you like, we are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 and sometimes 366 days a year."
Sounds wonderful doesn't it? Sometimes I worry about milk, and then sometimes I cause the world to implode with my shitty language. Damn me. Also, leap year doesn't count.

Now kids, before I learn to stop swearing like a fucking sailor, let's read their message.

"Our message is very simple and can be summed up in two words: Stop Swearing. If the world stops swearing, it will be a better place for all of us. Thank You."

Now...why? Why would the world be a better place without swearing? It's a word. A WORD. A SPOKEN WORD. Why grow up in a society that has blacklisted certain words as "bad"? What the hell is the point of that? It's a damn facade to make someone seem superior morally. Unfortunately, their bid for morality kills their intelligence.

But, let's pretend I'm an absolute retard (not a long shot lololololol). It is time for the TWELVE...STEP...PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First Step: "Ask Yourself: Why are you swearing?"
- Me: Hey Luke...
- Me: Sup?
- Me: Why do you swear?
- Me: Cause I can motherfucker. Words are just words.

Second Step:

1. Create a Swear Jar
1. Get an empty sauce jar, and clean it
2. Every Time You Swear place a dollar in it

- Wait a minute...If I put money in a jar, wouldn't the money be going to me anyways...but if others in the house swear..........................I'D BE RICH! IT PAYS TO SWEAR!!!!!!

Third Step: "Identify your problem sentences (For some it could be, **** I just pricked my finger whist sewing! Say: Ouch! I just pricked my finger sewing!)"
- God, this is going to take a while. How 'bout, instead of saying "Nate, post a fucking blog", I'll say "Nate, post a dandy blog...you damn je-"

Fourth step: "Tell Yourself you will never swear again"
- Make me.

Fifth Step: "Tell Your Parents you will never swear again (In the case that you do not have living parents, tell your guardian or another relative)"
- Me: Hey dad.
- Dad: Yeah?
- Me: I'll never swear again.
- Dad: That's good son.
- Me: You damn je-

Sixth step: "Tell Your friends you will never swear again (You should also promote a non swearing environment)"
- Me: "Hey friend"
- Friend: "Sup bitch?"
- Me: "How bout you lay down on the swearing, jerkoff?"

Seventh - Twelfth Step: "Continue to use your swear jar
Continue to visit this website and bookmark it! (we may have updated tips!)
Type or write out this sentence: I will never swear again! For a minimum of One thousand times.
Listen to music that has lyrics with no swearing
Continue not to swear!"

- *Makes More Money*
- ROFL NO
- I will never swear again x 1000
- *Listens to "Bastard" by Ed Gein*
- Okay dickwad.

So, I went through my twelve steps, and now what?

I GET CERTIFIED!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to to stop swearing and make the world a better place. I hope to be a good example in the future. I leave you with a picture of not only the certificate, but me holding it to show you that I have passed MASA's test.



















Failblog for the win, you fucks.

The Big Issue

We here at FailBlog want to address the big issues facing the world today. So, I want to take the time to get the readers (all three of you) opinion on a very important subject.

I have three days of class left before I go back home, but what I forgot to take into account is that it's technically four days since I have the day I'm traveling on. I knew I had four pairs of clothes at Albany so I left all of my clothes back home this past vacation, because I'm lazy.

After doing laundry, I discovered that I only have three pairs of boxers here. So, do I double up a pair on boxer duty or freeball one of these four days?

DEBATE THESE TOUGH ISSUES NOW!

(coming soon to FailBlog... maybe... one of these days: Nate goes to a Japanese punk show... in his home state of Vermont... and lives to tell about it!)